September 28, 2007
Today marks the first year .It’s been a year but it is still as fresh as it was just yesterday. The rain poured heavily, the wind was strong, and there were lightning and thunder. We watched TV to know the weather advisory. I’m glad that we don’t have office so I can have more time to sleep. I convinced her not to go anymore since the weather is not good though she really wanted to go. We slept again and woke up past twelve. She prepared our lunch as she used to. She even told me to prepare myself because we were supposed to get out of the house. We were supposed to go to my sister's house after lunch and spend the rest of the day there. She called that the table was ready. As I came out of the room, there was a loud crash; a blaze of light and rocks was all over the place. The ceiling went down. I was shocked. I finally came into my senses when her Bf began screaming and crying. I felt terrible that I started to shout her name and cry. I can’t see her body and I didn’t hear her respond. I wanted to take her away from there but I didn’t know where she was exactly. And then her Bf pulled me towards the gate coz he knew it wasn’t safe at all. I went out to ask for help from our neighbors but they too were busy helping the other victims. I couldn’t go far coz debris and branches were flying all over.
I said before that death is something I’m not afraid of. I’m ready. But that time I was not and I wanted to take back what I said. I was afraid coz I have no place to go. I felt so helpless. I prayed to Him for a miracle. Then our neighbors came on rushing inside. They can’t see my sister. They needed tools to pull out the big blocks. The other man said that they found her and she’s dead. I reacted badly. I knew I shouldn’t shout back at him but I didn’t want to hear him say those things. I didn’t want to lose her. Not this soon and not in this instance.
I didn’t know how she was pulled out. I just saw him carrying her. Then we hurriedly went to the hospital. She was lying still in his arms, unconscious, eyes close and pale. She was soaked and there were blood in her shirt. I brushed off the thought that the man might be right. I maybe in denial at that moment but I just want to take my chances. The last word would come from the doctor. I’m praying for a good one, God was my only hope then.
The doctors at the ER rushed into her. They asked us about what happened. I wished they stop. I’m not ready to talk about what I have just seen. I just wanted them first to give here the necessary medical attention she needed. The doctor started telling me what those medicines are for and what can it do for my sis. Honestly I could barely understand them. I’m more worried of the time that past while he explained those things. I wished my other sister was there to help me. I knew she know what to do in situations like this. But I haven’t contacted her, the phone lines were dead and my mobile was empty. I just can’t leave her like that. I plead them to do everything and give her the best medicine that can make her well. I didn’t even ask how much. I didn’t mind how much. Honestly, I didn’t have money in my pocket. We just rushed there without anything. I wanted her back. Then the doctor instructed the nurse to teach us how to use the pump to help her breath. I felt that they just give up on her. I felt so alone. My body felt so numb that I couldn’t feel my own cuts. My hand felt weak that I couldn’t pump it right. I passed it to his Bf and I kept on praying. I gain strength the moment my sister showed up but it was just for a moment. I finally lost my faith when I saw the reaction in her face. A confirmation that I couldn’t accept.
The moment I learned that her heart condition went worst, it gave me sleepless nights. I don’t want her to die and I don’t want her to die in front of me. I thought I would be spared once she undergoes her operation but it’s too late anymore. Every night I would watch and be aware of her breathing and pray that we get through the night. Every morning was a relief for me.
I cried and hugged her tight as she lay down lifeless. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to be alone. I was hoping that everything will be all right and we could laugh about the accident like what we used to do on every adverse thing that happened in our lives. But it just didn’t happen.
I regret that I didn’t come home early to cook for her. I was sorry that I felt tired that night that I wasn’t able to watch "The TERMINAL" with her. I wished that I didn’t convince her not to go to office. I was sorry that I wasn’t able to save her. I felt bad that I didn’t suffer like her. I even felt guilty that I didn’t die with her. But I have to put behind those emotions for the moment so we could focus on her Internment and tell our parents on what happened. We didn’t know how to tell them. They were too far from us. It was really hard to tell something that you know would really hurt them. They flew back here with my sister to see her for the last time. It’s been 3 years since she moved to US and this wasn’t the kind of reunion that we have in mind.
I went back to our house to get some clothes and other valuables. The house was a total mess. The roof was down. Bricks and woods were all over the place. The fridge was broken because of the impact. Since then i never came back at that house.
Milenyo came fast, left us with crushed hearts and tested our faith and strength. There was heavy down pour, streets were flooded, electricity were out, phone lines were down, establishments were closed and we have no place to go for her internment. I remembered how my sister went one by one to every Funeral Home at Araneta Ave to see if there was vacancy. Unfortunately, she needed to wait in line to get one. I cannot look at her and see her inside her coffin as I watched over her in the other funeral home before she was transferred to Arlington.
Friends, relatives, acquaintances have called up and came to extend their sympathies. Despite of the weather condition there were countless of people who came to her wake. The chapel was crowded that they needed to occupy the hallway and the lobby downstairs. I drew strength with the number of people who came up to see her and mourn with us. Seeing them was a confirmation that she has touched their lives and that we have been good to others.
During the wake there were few who asked about me. It was alright because I’m not seriously injured. It was alright because I was drowned with many things to mind what I was feeling. But I was hurt to hear them say that I was unfeeling and questioned the tears that I didn’t shed. They didn’t know what effect has this brought in my life. I never wanted her dead. I just accepted the painful truth. He is in God’s hands now. It is His plan that is beyond my understanding, our understanding. I stopped crying because I knew that it wouldn’t bring her back. Every time I feel sad about what happened I can’t help but asked God why she died and why I was left here. I wanted to stop questioning Him. I don’t want to be angry coz I have no right to be angry at Him. Instead, I should be thankful for a new life. As much as I wanted to be grateful I felt that I was becoming selfish to celebrate this chance.
To every bad thing that happened in my life this was the hardest and most painful. I have her in my 25 years. We slept at the same bed, sat next with each other, went at the same school and pictured together. She never forgets to hold my hand as we crossed the street. I knew that I was old enough for that but still she did that because she knew that crossing the street is one thing I was afraid of. She listened when I whine, appreciated my style and accepted my views.She may not be the sister who spoils you with material things but she has taught us the importance of humility, perseverance and patience. She inspired us to work hard and introduced us to new ideas. As our guardian, she was very lenient. Way back College she let me experienced the city life instead of boring myself at home. She may had her flaws but she has been the best ate for all of us.
Thinking that she is just in another place, out of the country perhaps makes it easier to get through each day without her. After her death, I was afraid to go out, to do things my own, too lazy to get up and pull myself together. I was afraid of night then but I was more than afraid now. I wish it was always daytime so I can be with other people. I don’t want to sleep coz it hurts to wake up without her. I rather have those sleepless nights with the promise that I wake up with her and we could walk and talk this life together.
A year after, many things have change. I move on but the pain still remains. I try to do things my own. I may laugh hard but I still haven’t forgotten what happened. I still got teary eyed at times and there are instances that I just wanted to let it fall. Thunders and strong wind give me shiver. A burst makes my heart throbs and a loud bang or a sudden crash make me live it all over again. Looking back at her photos make me feel sad. I wish I don’t have to address her as my late sister. I wish she is here with me to experience the good life. I wish that she can explore also to the places I’ve been, get a taste of what I’ve experience, eat what I’ve eaten, and know what I knew.
My life is good. It’s not what I planned but its quite near to what I wanted. I’m happy but it would be happier if she’s around. Life is less without her.
This is in memory of sister, Hunnyces - who is once a Girltalker
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