all about

Today, i tried to change my life. I tried to take another path. Somehow, I thought it would be the best for me. Yet my heart is still uncertain.

I decided to take the MRT from Quezon Ave. I've been standing, waiting for almost 15 minutes but still no train pass  my way. There were already 5 trains that passed from the other lane.

"where are they now?" what took them so long?

My face lit up when i saw the approaching train. "Finally!" . I was alleviated on the thought that i'll be late.   My face went sulky the moment it didn't stop. I just watch it went away and veered my gaze on the other direction  hopin for another train to come. Another 15 minutes, but still nothing. I'm becoming impatient every minute. The hall started to crowd and i kept looking on my watch.

Then, another train came, it stopped and the door opened. It was jampacked but still i push myself inside. I can't wait for the next train.

The train was really congested. Your back to back with other passengers. You don't need to hold on the railings. Different smell were mixed in the air and the aircon was on but not working okay.

MRT was supposed to make it easier for me. But it didn't serve me right. It always fail me, that I learn to hate riding in it. But i got no other option. if i take the bus i'll be stuck with the traffic at EDSA. i just let out a big sigh in disappointment.

Then i rode off at Buendia Station. I was in hurry that i didn't mind reading the signs. Unluckily ,  I chose the wrong direction. Then it started to rain. I tried to get a cab. After three tries, finally the cab driver told me that i was at the wrong lane. I was at the lane going to Cubao when i was supposed to be at the other lane - going to Makati. I went up and walked towards the other lane.

i smiled to see the line of cabs along Buendia. I asked the driver to get me near Makati Med and he replied that he didn't know the place. That's unspeakable. I rode in the next one. After i was seated, he told me it cost P50 and we have to wait for another passenger. I was shocked, an FXTAXI style for 50 per head. I wanted to get off right away but i didnt. No other cab available that and i didnt even know the place where i was suppose to go. It's my first time to be in that place.

Finally, i got to the place. I was happy that i came safe that i paid him P100 for the trip. The staff has given me the wrong direction. they should have said it's near Greenbelt than Makati Med.

I got some new insights, i believe i can do it yet i wasnt ready to give up some things.

I walked my way to the train station. With eyes closed i rode again the train.

Then i took the LRT going to our house. I love it this time. It's on time. It's not congested though it's rush hour. the air was refreshing. i was standing but it was comfortable. I chose the one near the door - the same spot i used to take everytime there were no more seats left. I leaned on the railings as the engine start up.

When i gazed across, the guy called my attention and offered me his seat. I was surprised. It was so unlikely at this modern time. I don't get to have those everyday or more often that i didnt know how to respond. I chosed to refuse but then he still insisted. But I couldn't take back my words. i was beginning   to feel uncomfortable with the eyes peering on us.

I smiled and said "malapit lang ako". Thank God, he didn't insist anymore. After that, i never look at his direction again. He maybe thinking what i mean about near, because i haven't get off the train after two stations.

At the end of the day, I must say that God is really really good. After all the mishaps and unexpected  encounter, God has shown me that there's still something good, someone still remains to care. Something to thank and be happy about.

This is all about guys. But i'm not saying, i'm good on knowing them. Somehow the MRs along the way has affected my views in life and relationships.

MR. Papadsul - Together with my sisters, we call him that but never in front of him.  We argue, at times I don't agree with you , i don't follow you, but no matter what happens I love you. I just miss the old days and the old you.

MR. Holy - I used to watch him passed by our house every Sunday after the mass. He would wave his hand and smile while driving a white L300. I learned he is a Brother (someone who works for God) and the old folks said he is off-limits.

MR. Border - He used to live next door - at my auntie' shouse. Tall, fair complexion, handsome, kind, smiling face and intelligent. He has all the nice qualities you may look for a guy. He's old for me. He was graduating HS while i was just starting Grade 1. No. chance. Last thing i heard, he is now a soldier, married with one kid. Maybe he won't even recognize me now.

MR. Competitor - Intelligent, chubby but cute. we vie against each other for the top.  I gave him a card on  Valentine's day when i was in grade 5. My mother learned about it and she got angry. I learned that it's immodest for a girl to take the first move. and giving a card is like first move since we live in  an isolated island. I alwasy kept in mind what my mother has said that night. Then, i outgrew my crush on him, we became friends competing against each other.

We have put things behind us. He has his own relationship now. Looking back, i wonder what i did like about him. I don't like who he is now. He sounds so political. He speaks seriously but talks about senseless things.

MR Suitor - My suitor for three years. I was just 12 then, i dont know about realtionships. i had crushes but I wasn't ready for a boyfriend.   And I didnt like the way he belittle himself and his family.  I stopped reading his letters because  all i could read is his insecurities. Maybe he thought i would pity him and finally give in. He promised to give the impossible. I was not intelligent for nothing.  I burned the letters/cards since  there were no reasons to keep it.  It was a relief when he stop. I dont have to avoid him or his friends.

MR Neighbor - We grew up together. He is the brother of my friend. Handsome and friendly but a smoker. Because of my other friend's chatty ways  he learned that i got a thing for him. He didn't change his ways towards me but i felt bad that he knew. I started avoiding him. I pretended that i don't see him. If he was on the first street i went on the second street so i can avoid him.  He was married now and has kid. I never thought he would marry her coz  she'sjust his summer fling. Iw onder what happened with his real gf.

Mr Seatmate - We started as friends, everything was nice and smooth. One joke changed our lives. I thought things were on the right places. Then, i realized he just pretended. He didnt care at all. He used my feelings to get ahead and the comforts it will give him. He was my first heartbreak.

College. He was trying to get back. But it felt like he was just flirting. we parted ways. Then, we met again at one occassion, unexpectedly. He was again becoming extra nice. But it didn't feel anymore like we were in HS.

I already started walking my way home when he called back. "I'll walk you home", he said . "I can do this, malaki na ako", I replied, smiled and then walked away.

I got what I wanted. I got to see him and the feelings weren't there anymore. There's no available space left for him.He doesn't need to comeback.

Mr. Almost Bestfriend - Guy next door, totally nice, God-fearing, responsible,intelligent, kind. Someone you would like to introduce to your mom.  I used to have a crush on you. But then I finally outgrow that feeling when we became friends. I don;t know why? There's no "kilig" anymore with the sheepish smiles and motorbike rides.

Until now, I still wonder how we became friends. We were never introduce. We didn't exchange smiles on the hallway. Then, one day, we were calling each other friends.  We can talk about anything, even each other relationships. Even though we don't see each other or talk that often, we know in our hearts that we are friends.  He's the closest guy  friend I had and vice versa.

Some thought we will end up together. But I knew it's not for us. It will just complicate things.

But suddenly, things seems to change now. He said we should hang out often. But then when I'm  trying to make some effort, he became cold. I don't know. Sometimes, I thought I scared him and i'm beginning to hate him.

Mr. Villain - Someone trying to be the leading man when he is not. Pretentious, weak, easily-tempted, unfaithful and insensitive. He didn't know what it means to be friends. I still can't forgive you.

Mr. Almost Perfect -Mestizo, Handsome (without the facial hairs) Humble, Friendly and responsible, corny at times. Someone I wanted to introduce with my Family. Still the man i wanted to end up with.

Mr. Insecure - NRR. I never thought someone who's talented and goodlooking can be so insecure with the others. 

Mr. Sungit - I thought you are true 

 

****NRR - No Romantic Relationship

 

 

 

I never wanted to be known as rich or well-off. Because i'm not yet  on that level.  But i love the fact that I have the resources. It's make my life more convenient. But i also had my share of sacrifices and deprivation of things so i can afford the things of much importance.

I just hate the feeling that i'm being used that i don't have sincere friends. They remember you in times that they needed you most especially in the financial aspect. Why can't i be part of their happiness? Why can't they remember me on ordinary days?

I dont want to be stingy because i'm not one. Yet i can't consider myself generous. I give away my extras because i feel doing it so. No one force me to do and i don't have to make my name good for anyone.

But sometimes it so hard to refuse "friends". Most of the time, i felt guilty that i did. Maybe i was their last hope and i took away that little hope because of what i felt.

I lend them with their promise that they pay back on time, specifically set by them. Unluckily, they all failed to do so. At least they could have told me the reason than keeping me in the dark all along. I never ask for payment even it's already the due date, but i know I deserve that they should come to me first like when they asked for my help instead of avoiding me.

With that, i learned to give away an amount my  pocket can carry instead of lending. They may be mad because it might not be enough but it will be relinguish in no time. they'll come back again, i know. And for sure i'll be welcoming them again coz i haven't learned my lesson.

Another thing, i really hate it when they use kids as excuse. Kids are special to me. Just imagining what could happened to the kids if didn't give something make feel guiltier. But should i really be the one  responsible  to them?

I wish they could learn something out of  the NO's that i answered. I wish they would  learn to prioritize things of importance so they can manage their resources well. Not because i don't want them coming to me. i wanted a worry-free life for them.
 

I'm tired, bored, uninspired ...

I really want out where I am currently in

i wanted to be excited.

i need so much courage and faith now.

I was awaken at 4 am by a SMS Bday greeting from a friend overseas. I missed his call coz i was on a deep sleep. I was surpised that he was the first one to greet me and the extra effort he did, knowing him.

I went back to sleep and woke up around 5:30 and prepared myself for the day. I decided to wear a dress on this special day but somehow i was having second thoughts since i'm taking the public transpo. But then i went as planned  coz i have nothing special to wear today. I badly wanted to feel good about myself. Somehow I thought that the dress would lessen the uncertainties and liitle sadness i have in my heart.

I attended the 7AM mass near home. I thanked God for another year and wished for more years and an approved visa. I really wanted to be with them.  I lighted 27 white candles and prayed for good health and happiness for my family and friends. 

I received greetings, warm smiles and surprise eyes as i entered the room. They have seen me in my miniskirts and swimwear but this is their first time to see me in a summer dress and showing off a little skin. It's like they are seeing me from another light. Somehow, they thought i was freed from the old style uniform and jean-shirt (clothes i was comfortable at) i used to wear.
Beside the birhday greetings, I got second looks and nice comments from them. Now, they are looking forward on seeing me in another dress. Surely, i'll be disappointing them. i have no plans, i'm back again with my comfy clothes and occasional minis.

Later in the afternoon, we had a little merienda salo-salo. One my officemate cooked me spaghetti. I Suddenly remember my sister. She cooked me one  for my officemates last 2006. Few months later she was gone.In between smiles, jokes and shots we shared the different food on the table.

Dinner time, together  with my few officefriends went to Friday's. They wanted to try it there. It was pricey but the food was great, the ambience and service are perfect.

I had fun, i was really feeling happy. I got unexpected greetings  from unexpected people, great food, great company, great friends and a call from family. A little sad, that it has to end .

Looking over the pictures, I realized what i really missed. I missed my family. Back in my younger years, Along with my sisters and close friends, we will gather on the table and shared the spaghetti and gelatin my nanay prepared. Since we live in an isolated island, the leche flan served as my cake.But there's still the traditional blowing of candles and picture taking with a 135camera. If there's a flight schedule  we  could have a real cake and an ice cream.  take note, i also wore a dress back then. 

after the party, we will play on the dry ice. We were so innocent that we were so fascinated on the effect of water on the ice. There's a crunchy sound and a smoky thing everytime you spill water over it. It was so cold that it's like the ice was biting our hands.

It's been years since the last time. We're all grown up now. I'm no more just  the island girl. . We can have now the real cake and steaks on our plate. But i wasn't complete without my family around me.  Maybe that's the price for a good life.

Someday, I would like to have the chance of my childhood birthday party, correction just the childhood birthday with family.
 

Happy Birthday Hershey!

Live, Love and Laugh

Things will be great ;)

"IWhat do you like about GT?" - I just  came across this thread . I've been a member of this forum since 2005 but i was never an active member. i registered just to give way on my sister persistent request  and to actually say that i tried reading the forum. i was busy then that i don't have time to focus on what's store for me.

Came 2007, i was bored with my work. I have more idle moments. FYI, idle moments is equal to nothing to do at all. That really keeps me insane thinking of what to do next. i tracked back my account and started reading and learning. I could say my sis is right. GT is entertaining and insightful. I learned new ideas, others feelings, places, people as i ran through each thread. I became more prepared with my Travel plans.

Now, my day is not complete without browsing GT. Not that i'm not busy or having that idle moments again. GT has keep me sane from all the hussles of my work. Since I lost my sister in 2006, i finally got new sisters whom i could talk and share what i'm feeling.  MOreover, Through GT,  i finally discovered that i can do storywriting.  I was really overwhelmed with this new discovery.

Three days from now, would soon to be my birthday – my 27th birthday. A friend asked what I want on my bday and what my plans are. I was out of words so I just smile in replied. I was taken aback with his sudden quips. Back in my mind, I was thinking would he make my wishes come true if he knew. Would there be any difference if I say my plans. 

Then I was left thinking with those two questions.

What I want? I’m not particular with anything. I don’t even know what I want. I just wanted to feel happy, complete and special on that day. I’m still looking forward for a surprise. A birthday surprise, a happy one. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive. It doesn’t need to be a wrapped gift. Colorful balloons or a bouquet of flowers, will do. Or maybe just a simple warm hug.

 I knew what I’ll be receiving this year from my family. My mom would be giving me money as she used to. My sisters are giving another out of the country trip. I felt grateful yet I felt incomplete. 

What are my plans? My plan was a routine plan for several years. I will go to Mass on that day. Eat out with friends or just order pizza at home. Somehow, i want it something out of the ordinary. 

Since it's too late now for the budgeting and the planning. Next year I want to make it happen. I would like to go on a Boracay trip on the week of my birthday. Maybe a solo trip. But it will be kinda sad. No one will take my pictures ;). But then it's hard to expect that someone will accompany me knowing that it's expensive. I can't afford to treat someone for the trip. Okay i can afford half of it. But then who would be willing to do that.

After sort of planning with the trip, i felt guilty. how could i spend my savings in an expensive trip



 

 

2/5/07

 Once in my life, someone  told me that  it hurts to see the person  you like with  someone else. It's an excruciating pain - like a knife piercing your heart over and over again.

Last Friday, I accidentally saw Yeoj at the crowded streets of Araneta . I was very surprise to see him. For the past seven years i've been hoping  to bump with him everytime i was near his place or with our common friends. But still got no luck.   Then finally seeing him, near my place made me realized that i was looking too far all along.

 He looks great in his green shirt and faded jeans as he lovingly held his gf as they cross the street. Yeah, i'm very sure that she is his gf. i've been  lurking at his friendster account for years.

Seeing them, made me stop. i even watched them walked away and saw from hindsight the next store they stepped in.

I was overwhelmed with that instance that i thought my heart didn't care. i thought the feelings weren't there anymore. But then, i realized that i didn't feel anything because i chose not to. Because i don't want the hurt feeling .

Seeing him again made me realized that i'm still the same girl, waiting for her second chance. The same girl who didnt want to change her mobile no so she won't miss a message  or a call from him.

I may have stop stalking at his friendster account or sending him SMS or asking about him with our friends or met other guys but i haven't forgotten him.

I wish someday, he'll find in his heart to forgive me. Becoming friends again would be an added bonus. I would love to see again the fascination in his eyes and his sweetest smile .

September 28, 2007

Today marks the first year .It’s been a year but it is still as fresh as it was just yesterday. The rain poured heavily, the wind was strong, and there were lightning and thunder. We watched TV to know the weather advisory. I’m glad that we don’t have office so I can have more time to sleep. I convinced her not to go anymore since the weather is not good though she really wanted to go. We slept again and woke up past twelve. She prepared our lunch as she used to. She even told me to prepare myself because we were supposed to get out of the house. We were supposed to go to my sister's house after lunch and spend the rest of the day there. She called that the table was ready. As I came out of the room, there was a loud crash; a blaze of light and rocks was all over the place. The ceiling went down. I was shocked. I finally came into my senses when her Bf began screaming and crying. I felt terrible that I started to shout her name and cry. I can’t see her body and I didn’t hear her respond. I wanted to take her away from there but I didn’t know where she was exactly. And then her Bf pulled me towards the gate coz he knew it wasn’t safe at all. I went out to ask for help from our neighbors but they too were busy helping the other victims. I couldn’t go far coz debris and branches were flying all over.

I said before that death is something I’m not afraid of. I’m ready. But that time I was not and I wanted to take back what I said. I was afraid coz I have no place to go. I felt so helpless. I prayed to Him for a miracle. Then our neighbors came on rushing inside. They can’t see my sister. They needed tools to pull out the big blocks. The other man said that they found her and she’s dead. I reacted badly. I knew I shouldn’t shout back at him but I didn’t want to hear him say those things. I didn’t want to lose her. Not this soon and not in this instance.

I didn’t know how she was pulled out. I just saw him carrying her. Then we hurriedly went to the hospital. She was lying still in his arms, unconscious, eyes close and pale. She was soaked and there were blood in her shirt. I brushed off the thought that the man might be right. I maybe in denial at that moment but I just want to take my chances. The last word would come from the doctor. I’m praying for a good one, God was my only hope then.

The doctors at the ER rushed into her. They asked us about what happened. I wished they stop. I’m not ready to talk about what I have just seen. I just wanted them first to give here the necessary medical attention she needed. The doctor started telling me what those medicines are for and what can it do for my sis. Honestly I could barely understand them. I’m more worried of the time that past while he explained those things. I wished my other sister was there to help me. I knew she know what to do in situations like this. But I haven’t contacted her, the phone lines were dead and my mobile was empty. I just can’t leave her like that. I plead them to do everything and give her the best medicine that can make her well. I didn’t even ask how much. I didn’t mind how much. Honestly, I didn’t have money in my pocket. We just rushed there without anything. I wanted her back. Then the doctor instructed the nurse to teach us how to use the pump to help her breath. I felt that they just give up on her. I felt so alone. My body felt so numb that I couldn’t feel my own cuts. My hand felt weak that I couldn’t pump it right. I passed it to his Bf and I kept on praying. I gain strength the moment my sister showed up but it was just for a moment. I finally lost my faith when I saw the reaction in her face. A confirmation that I couldn’t accept.

The moment I learned that her heart condition went worst, it gave me sleepless nights. I don’t want her to die and I don’t want her to die in front of me. I thought I would be spared once she undergoes her operation but it’s too late anymore. Every night I would watch and be aware of her breathing and pray that we get through the night. Every morning was a relief for me.

I cried and hugged her tight as she lay down lifeless. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to be alone. I was hoping that everything will be all right and we could laugh about the accident like what we used to do on every adverse thing that happened in our lives. But it just didn’t happen.

I regret that I didn’t come home early to cook for her. I was sorry that I felt tired that night that I wasn’t able to watch "The TERMINAL" with her. I wished that I didn’t convince her not to go to office. I was sorry that I wasn’t able to save her. I felt bad that I didn’t suffer like her. I even felt guilty that I didn’t die with her. But I have to put behind those emotions for the moment so we could focus on her Internment and tell our parents on what happened. We didn’t know how to tell them. They were too far from us. It was really hard to tell something that you know would really hurt them. They flew back here with my sister to see her for the last time. It’s been 3 years since she moved to US and this wasn’t the kind of reunion that we have in mind.

I went back to our house to get some clothes and other valuables. The house was a total mess. The roof was down. Bricks and woods were all over the place. The fridge was broken because of the impact. Since then i never came back at that house.

Milenyo came fast, left us with crushed hearts and tested our faith and strength. There was heavy down pour, streets were flooded, electricity were out, phone lines were down, establishments were closed and we have no place to go for her internment. I remembered how my sister went one by one to every Funeral Home at Araneta Ave to see if there was vacancy. Unfortunately, she needed to wait in line to get one. I cannot look at her and see her inside her coffin as I watched over her in the other funeral home before she was transferred to Arlington.

Friends, relatives, acquaintances have called up and came to extend their sympathies. Despite of the weather condition there were countless of people who came to her wake. The chapel was crowded that they needed to occupy the hallway and the lobby downstairs. I drew strength with the number of people who came up to see her and mourn with us. Seeing them was a confirmation that she has touched their lives and that we have been good to others.

During the wake there were few who asked about me. It was alright because I’m not seriously injured. It was alright because I was drowned with many things to mind what I was feeling. But I was hurt to hear them say that I was unfeeling and questioned the tears that I didn’t shed. They didn’t know what effect has this brought in my life. I never wanted her dead. I just accepted the painful truth. He is in God’s hands now. It is His plan that is beyond my understanding, our understanding. I stopped crying because I knew that it wouldn’t bring her back. Every time I feel sad about what happened I can’t help but asked God why she died and why I was left here. I wanted to stop questioning Him. I don’t want to be angry coz I have no right to be angry at Him. Instead, I should be thankful for a new life. As much as I wanted to be grateful I felt that I was becoming selfish to celebrate this chance.

To every bad thing that happened in my life this was the hardest and most painful. I have her in my 25 years. We slept at the same bed, sat next with each other, went at the same school and pictured together. She never forgets to hold my hand as we crossed the street. I knew that I was old enough for that but still she did that because she knew that crossing the street is one thing I was afraid of. She listened when I whine, appreciated my style and accepted my views.She may not be the sister who spoils you with material things but she has taught us the importance of humility, perseverance and patience. She inspired us to work hard and introduced us to new ideas. As our guardian, she was very lenient. Way back College she let me experienced the city life instead of boring myself at home. She may had her flaws but she has been the best ate for all of us.

Thinking that she is just in another place, out of the country perhaps makes it easier to get through each day without her. After her death, I was afraid to go out, to do things my own, too lazy to get up and pull myself together. I was afraid of night then but I was more than afraid now. I wish it was always daytime so I can be with other people. I don’t want to sleep coz it hurts to wake up without her. I rather have those sleepless nights with the promise that I wake up with her and we could walk and talk this life together.

A year after, many things have change. I move on but the pain still remains. I try to do things my own. I may laugh hard but I still haven’t forgotten what happened. I still got teary eyed at times and there are instances that I just wanted to let it fall. Thunders and strong wind give me shiver. A burst makes my heart throbs and a loud bang or a sudden crash make me live it all over again. Looking back at her photos make me feel sad. I wish I don’t have to address her as my late sister. I wish she is here with me to experience the good life. I wish that she can explore also to the places I’ve been, get a taste of what I’ve experience, eat what I’ve eaten, and know what I knew.

My life is good. It’s not what I planned but its quite near to what I wanted. I’m happy but it would be happier if she’s around. Life is less without her.

This is in memory of sister, Hunnyces - who is once a Girltalker